All right... I don't see why you don't post this on fanfiction.net (unless you have, and I've just missed it). It's wonderful - really! You've a detailed talent for writing, bringing in such subtle points such as the Hobgoblins (of course, I truly laughed at that one, due to TVN's plotline!), logging of Apparation, Dawlish being the one to lose a buttock (lol!).

Slow? No, not slow at all. That's exactly as it should be written. You have to create the world, create the feel, get the reader emotionally involved. That doesn't happen with a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am type of tempo. No, this is excellent.

My only suggestions... watch your use of the correct forms of certain words.

"...'too' afraid to care...", not 'to'

You're using "then" rather than "than" (i.e.: ...a silver blot; ...that; ...I did my fifth; ...collapse). Remember, "then" is a matter of conditional or time, most often used for if/then or I did this, then that. "Than" is comparison.

And if you use 'had', it would be sworn, not swore.

Outside of all that nasty grammar business (I know only because in high school I made too many of those mistakes and forced myself to learn from them!)... WONDERFUL story. Please, please post on FFN as well. Your writing is too good to lie solely in the depths of LJ where fewer people will find it.

Excellent use of lesser-mentioned characters; it gives a more full-bodied feel to the story and the world.

Keep going!
-kat